Sorry

I am writing this at the airport due to a series of delayed flights (gotta love JFK..not.)  Completely aware of the fact that I haven’t been on lately but it’s just a really busy time of the year so I am sorry. I will post stuff on every time I get the chance to though.

I am always active on Instagram so you can follow me there @grottydoll

gcsesLaura x

The Non-existent Fantasy of Being Thin

The other day I found myself casually scrolling through old pictures on my laptop. Stuff from way back to the stupid – ugly – hormonal – going through puberty years. God, I absolutely hate those years! It’s when you go from being small, cute and reasonably pretty in a baby kinda way; and then suddenly through summer of 6th grade, BOOM. It’s like a freaking bomb just dropped on you and you completely change. You start getting facial hair, a peach fuzz stache (as our dear friend Hannah Montana called it) and eyebrows the size and thickness of Huxley from Elmo.

huxley

Yes, officially at that stage where Roger Taylor makes a prettier girl than you.

roger2

What even just happened right there? Not only that but some of us may have gained weight. A lot more weight. Most of it in the completely wrong places. And then you start needing braces and glasses and your hair decided to suddenly go extremely frizzy instead of the pretty little locks you had when you were 7. All that happened to me. I don’t think I was really conscious of it all happening to me when it did. It’s so weird, like I was somehow living in my own world where it was still normal to take your baby born out in a stroller at the age of 11. The only thing I clearly remember having struggled with from the age of 12-13 was weight. I began to notice that I looked a lot.. I’m not going to sugarcoat it.. fatter than everyone of my friends. I never really thought of myself as a fat kid, nor did I hate on fat kids but when I realised I looked a bit chubbier than everyone else, I began to feel so freaking self conscious about everything. I would literally stay in over sized hoodies and avoid anything remotely fitted. Basically I felt like a balloon with Sam Weir’s face taped on it.

samweir

What hurt most of all was that I was beginning to do ballet a lot more intensively and had started pointe work at 12. I seriously thought I was a “fat ballerina” back then and hated how hard I worked but how fat I still looked (or thought I had looked.) I began to slowly loose hope and watched what I ate more often than usual. I did it stupidly though. I cut back on main meals and ate tiny kid sized snacks instead. It did make me loose weight eventually but not in a healthy way. I started something new by the time I was 13. Rugby. If you know me personally- even the slightest bit- you are most likely laughing at your laptop screen this minute.

Bahahah it’s okay, I can’t believe I did it either. And not touch rugby. Full on contact with the tackling and all that jazz. Once I joined the rugby team, I noticed that not only was I the skinniest, but the tinniest as well and eventually adopted the nickname “tiny” (a creative bunch aren’t they?) I did it for an entire year, twice a week. I didn’t love it but I noticed I had an incredible stamina compared to the other girls. I wasn’t all that fast and nowhere near their meaning of tough. So I depended on my stamina. We would run so many laps and had such a strict couch. By the time all the girls would have collapsed to the ground, I’d still be running around full speed and all. But generally speaking,I hate sports and PE class etc.

home5

Anyway, it worked. I lost loads of baby fat and looked slimmer. But I was more muscly than frail skinny. I went back to focusing on ballet through eight grade and lost so much weight from all the dancing and not eating full meals, I gained ballet muscle which is far more feminine. I lost the bulky thigh muscle and biceps and instead got a flat stomach and ballet muscles, which are far from bulky.  By the time I moved to Abu Dhabi, I was extremely skinny compared to what I ever was and lost around 10 kilos. I started getting messages from old friends asking me how I managed to even lose it all. Honestly it was bad. I lost weight by skipping meals and I think that’s partly the reason why I didn’t grow much (height wise) after the age of 13. I don’t mind my height; there will always be shorter and taller people. Most people thought I was way shorter than I really am because of how small I actually am. My shoulders are freaking tiny and it’s so hard when I buy dresses because straps always slip off and need to be sown tighter. But anyways, I still had braces and glasses and felt stupidly short in 9th grade and hated my school. It really sucked and I felt 10000 x happier 2 years ago when I thought of myself as fat. The thing is even when I was fatter I was so much happier because I had great people around me who didn’t really give a damn about my weight. So I knew then that being skinny was not some sudden key to happiness, acceptance or popularity. And now that I look back on it I was not fat, it was just normal baby fat and my group of friends were naturally a lot skinnier than the usual. When I moved to Abu Dhabi, everyone seemed HUGE like 5 inches taller than me, 20 kilos heavier and twice my width. And that was completely normal and healthy! It was me who was odd. I had a great 9th grade honestly. I had made some great new friends. I learned to look past it though and focus on ballet as it was becoming more professional at this point.

ballet

By 10th grade, I had reached a plateau weight and danced a lot more, almost daily. I focused on school and doing well and ballet and dancing better instead of parties and friends and your typical 15 year old kinda stuff. Yep call it boring, but it payed off. Instead of partying, I was too busy studying and searching up some internships and something people call ‘opportunities.’ The summer of year 10, I had met loads of new people in the fashion/blogging industry and they all seemed to lead such a glamorous life. I wanted to try something new and thought I could put my creativity and love of fashion into something good, hence the blog. I modeled at some shoots, interned at a magazine, got articles published. Basically my self esteem went from about a 3/10 to an 11/10. I’m no egocentric, self loving, floomsy idiot, but I was praised by people I hardly knew. They thought I was clever, pretty, talented and all the other positive adjectives. When I did shoots, photographers and stylists thought I had been accustomed to modeling and well, I was not. I didn’t love it or hate it but standing in front of a flashing lens was never a career option of mine, nor will it be because it just doesn’t interest me all too much. But I mean it was only human of me to enjoy being accepted and for people to see me as worth something; I’m sure you would too.

And personally, I never thought of myself as anything other than your normal teenage girl who wants to do something with her life. I opened up this blog to keep a record of my life and nothing more. Not money or modeling or popularity or fame. Well fame is the new popularity isn’t it? In actuality, this blog did not lift me up in the school social hierarchy. People saw my blog and thought it was neat. Some tried getting closer when they saw I had attended some private events but I stuck with those who I knew had genuinely liked me ever since they had met me.

So yes, there may have been a positive correlation with weight/happiness. The more weight I lost over time, the happier I was? But not really. It just happened that I was happiest when I began doing all those magazine and blog projects and that was definitely not because I was skinnier. I was way skinnier the previous year and not necessarily that happy. If you’re not at the weight society calls “beautiful” which is in fact skinny then whatever. Who even cares about what society or other people think!? Unfortunately, if you still think you’re not happy because you’re not beautiful enough and the only way you can reach beauty is through shedding the weight that’s so hard to get rid of, I just wanted to let you know that that’s not so. Weight being the reason to your unhappiness is simply untrue. First of all, if weight is really the only issue, then you don’t have it bad at all.  If weight is the root of all your problems and issues then you do need to start focusing more on that not through dieting but living a healthy lifestyle and taking up some sort of physical movement or exercise. If you are considered fat by today’s  mainstream-media then rest-assure you that only means your dress size is only over as size 2.  I think once you accept your body and learn to love it and commit to it by eating clean food with the occasional burger and coke then you can learn to love yourself, the people around you, your life and generally exude positivity thus leading to your happiness. How exactly you learn to accept your body and learn to love it is completely up to you but I suggest that you block out the media’s obsession with thinness and replace that by reading more about your weight as well as other people’s stories and lifestyles going through all of the same stuff.

Now summer is done and year 12 here. Still the same school; not all the same people. It’ll be an interesting year in terms of friends, blog, studying , dancing, and on and on. I had the option to leave Abu Dhabi and move to London or Canada or anywhere else for that matter, but I chose to stay and finish school. I’ve decided to give everything a new shot. I’m a very different person from what I was in grade 7 or 9 or 11 for that matter, which was just a couple of months ago. But, I know I should always go by the Sam Weir way of life – especially when it comes to weight issues-

sam3

All in all, I learned so much these past years. As cliché as it sounds, I learned that being skinny and decent looking does not buy you happiness. I also learned that good friends are hard to find but easy to keep if they really are true friends. Friends, if you are reading this, I know that you know who you are and I just wanna say thanks for being there. Whether you were all the way in the UK replying to my stupid Facebook chats or you video called me every single night just to say ‘Hi,’ a ‘hi’ that lasted up until 5 am but a meaningful one regardless. Thanks for singing with me during math class and struggling with me during the ridiculous further math course we decided to take and successfully passed and thanks for putting up with my intolerable physics jokes. Thanks for relaxing me backstage and cheering me on, I hope I made you feel better when you first danced with a partner. Thanks for sharing my taste in music and art and always being there in the art classroom every break and lunch when I felt loneliest. Thanks for everything all of you. And finally thanks for reading this; it should be interesting to read in a few years time.

Venus

A lot has happened the past month.

First off, I got my hair cut shorter. Not as in shoulder length short but as in pixie short. I absolutely love it and I am so glad that I dared to do it in the first place. Yay for new and exciting things!

Second, I have turned vegetarian. It’s been just over a month so far and I am very pleased with it. I was actually a pretty big meat eater not so long ago but I decided to give it a go and I absolutely love it and feel generally cleaner; health wise and conscience as well. Yes, call it cheesy and whatever but I like it and it’s been working pretty well for me.

Third, I’ve been collecting music. Not just songs off Youtube or iTunes but I mean physically finding and buying music. I will share it all on the blog at some point but it’s one of the perks of not being in Abu Dhabi/ Dubai for the summer because you don’t really get record shops or anything there besides Virgin. So anyway, I took advantage of this factor, being in Canada and all, and decided to find some original vinyls and records released from way back in the 60s. Mind you, it took forever and was not easy but I did come out with a few rare monos and original pressings. I’ll keep this collection and hopefully it’ll grow really big by the time I’m in uni or something.

Well a lot more has obviously happened like GCSE results, more scheduled trips and traveling before I’m back in the city, blogger collaborations, new books read- including a copy of “The Fault in Our Stars” signed by THE John Green- and awesome new films and series I am willing to blog about sooner or later.

I’ll leave you with this outfit and some Shocking Blue for now.

Venus- Shocking Blue 

 1IMG_6409 IMG_6414 IMG_6420Blending in with the background as always #whitegirlproblemsIMG_6419 IMG_6405wedIMG_6421 IMG_6422 IMG_6452IMG_6493IMG_6423IMG_6512IMG_6468IMG_6424 IMG_wIMG_6521Top: Vintage

Skirt, shoes & sunnies: Urban Outfitters

Necklace: Thrift

Laura x

Cool Quirks

Just wanted to thank you all for following me on Instagram! I’ve finally reached 1k+ followers which is surprising but awesome so thanks and I love you.

Anyway, here is a mini visual clothes and ‘stuff’ diary from recently. Pictures are taken from iPhone 4 and all edits are by me.

Stay in the Clouds- Zee Avi  ♪

1Jacket: Urban Outfitters

dmssdms4Doc’s dmsss

39Thrifted pins.

The closeup face is of Ringo Starr and not some random human. Not that Ringo is any less random but he isn’t exactly my neighbour or anything.

40I got this necklace from a thrift shop and bought several plastic beads separately and I love their quirky childish appearance.

372Lovely t-bone shoes from Urban Outfitters. 41And Kitty ones22 Lennon Sunnies from Urban Outfitters33Fridge magnets! I love fridge magnets I think everyone should have pretty ones on their fridge. Who really wants to open a plain white fridge? 32Okay. So I use a velcro wallet that I got out of a Pokemon magazine. Yes I own grown up wallets but I refuse to carry any but this one. It’s just so great, it fits everything I need which is just some money. Considering I’m broke, I don’t mind that it’s small. But I do enjoy the occasional smiles and comments from people at the cashier counters.  29Life saver. Burt’s ma homie.  28 Pattie the Ukulele! Been practicing a couple of new songs on her. 25Fun shopping. 21I like wearing pins on my socks. I don’t know, I think it’s going to be a thing now.  23 -Jumper: Tommy Hilfiger-  Skirt: H&M – Shoes: Urban Outfitters-  Necklace: Thrift  -Hat: Zara – Socks: New Look 24Cute ice cream earrings from a local boutique  5Fell in love with this. It’s a hair pin that looks like a scrabble piece.  17'Twinning my two best friends Shini & Faris. They are the true trendsetters :)

It’s from the H&M Men section.

bag2 Shirt: Urban Outfitters.shirt‘Tis all for now.

Laura x

Late Summer Blues

I know I haven’t been on for a while but I have been preoccupied lately; actually very busy doing unimportant things before school starts again. Anyway, here is a late summer playlist for you. And now you may enjoy your final days of guilt-free procrastination with some music.

s2

If you’re too lazy.. here are the links-

(There is no shame in being lazy, it’s still summer.)

Asleep- The Smiths

Nantes- Beirut

Summertime Sadness- Lana Del Rey

Go Outside- Cults

Rock and Roll- Led Zeppelin

Breakfast in NYC- Oppenheimer

I’m Only Sleeping- The Beatles

Know Your Onion- The Shins

Like a Rolling Stone- Bob Dylan

Helena Beat- Foster the People

Laura x

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